I remember talking to my granddad
about my grandma who died early in my childhood and he would always speak
about her with pride. Whenever I speak to older guys in their 70’s and over,
and ask them about marriage I am shocked how much they still love their
wives. They usually say that they are their best friends or “She’s a good
one… I don’t know what I’d do without her” or something along those lines.
In contrast when I talk to men and women about their spouses today often it
sounds like their talking about their enemies! Why is this, why has things
changed so dramatically in the latter part of the last century?
The reason I believe is
that we as a society and people have changed too fast. Not to long ago a
hundred years would pass and not much would change but now every five years
the world and its attitude is completely different. The roles of men and
women have changed. Women are more headstrong and men have become more
feminine because of these dramatic changes. So where does that lead
marriages? I recently read an article that said 75% of people getting
married today will be divorced in 5 years. Hell that’s a massive failure
rate isn’t it? If somebody said to you jump over that ravine and there’s a
million pounds waiting for you on the other side but there’s a 75% chance
you wont make it would you jump? You’d be pretty foolish to try wouldn’t
you? So why get married then?
Society plugs marriage on
us as the norm and often people get married because of the way we are
brought up and the pressure to follow the society norm. This would be fine
if it actually worked but clearly the statistics show that it doesn’t these
days and its actually getting worse. Around 50 years ago and before that,
the roles of husband and wife were clearly defined where both parties knew
what they had to do to make the marriage work. Now that has all changed. New
concepts of our roles are peddled to us via the media and so called experts
have changed the way men and women behave and the “New man and woman” has
emerged. It all sounds great until you look at the effect it’s having on
society as a whole. Divorce rates going through the roof, more fatherless
families, more dysfunctional kids, crime rates and youth related crime
soaring the list goes on. Yet the people who are pushing these new roles are
forging on undeterred.
Humans as a species are
changing to meet an ever changing ideal that is being forced upon us that
just isn’t working. Yet you never hear about people trying to change the way
animals behave in the wild do you? Would you try to stop a lion killing an
impala and try to make them befriend one another? If they did they would say
it was wrong and “going against nature” so why are we trying so hard to
reverse the roles that nature has given to us as men and women? The
advocates for change would say to that “but humans are intelligent creatures
who can think for themselves”. To that I say if we’re so smart why is life,
as we know it not working for so many of us. Why is marriage failing so
badly when it used to work?
I believe there is
brainwashing going on, on a massive scale with both men and women and we are
being pushed into a way of thinking that is going to be disastrous for
future family life. Look at the way kids are spoiled these days. The more
they get the more they want and the unhappier and more dysfunctional they
become. They see mum and dad arguing every day and to make up for it they
buy the kids a playstation. The very fabric of family life is being torn
apart because of the new roles men and women have taken.
When I watch adverts on TV
I am astonished at some of the undertones that are subtly put over to us.
The man these days is often portrayed as the idiot of the two sexes where as
the woman is the over worked hard done by go-getter. Just look at the shows
that fill our TV’s all the time. Think about how many shows are touting
plastic surgery these days on TV. The perfect body and face is touted as the
ideal and many women feel the pressure to have plastic surgery to make them
look like the society dream. It wasn’t that long ago that you would watch
shows on TV and people would be far from perfect in the looks department but
now everybody has a small nose, straight white teeth and a toned body and
that’s what everyday people are buying into as the ideal. When people don’t
fit that bill they feel depressed.
Programmes showing people
buying houses that are too expensive and renovating them is another trend of
modern TV. At one time people were happy just to have a home but nowadays we
all have to live in a mansion otherwise we are failures. This all adds up to
more pressure and the marriage fails due to the fact that the most important
thing becomes keeping up with the Joneses and not enjoying each others
company. I know people who are so concerned about what people think they are
up to the eyeballs in debt just to show others they are living the modern
society dream. When the door closes the rows begin but in front of other
people they try to portray the perfect life. When we watch TV and see other
people living in extravagant ways we can start to look at our own lives and
start to think we are living poorly.
As a man I am acutely aware that the
undertone is that men need to be more feminine these days and “in touch with
our feelings”. If we aren’t we are not part of the new society and a
dinosaur. It is a known fact that women tend to be more emotionally directed
when thinking where as a man uses perceived logic and reasoning to solve
problems. I see men struggle to live up to this new more feminine role and
fail hopelessly as it goes against the genetic grain. It goes against our
genetic wiring. Many people will say that that way I am talking is sexist or
old fashioned and men needed to change. Many will think my insights outdated
but to them I say this. At least the old way worked! I see women struggle to
live up to the new “power mum” image all the time in my office. Usually by
the time they see me they are burnt out. On the other hand I see men
shattered because they are trying to live up to the “New man” ideal. When we
go against our genetic wiring we live a constant battle of going against
what feels natural.
People laugh these days when they
remember how things were. The husband went out to work and the wife stayed
at home and brought up the kids. Yet lets look at the alternative. Most
couples end up divorced and the kids have a strained uncertain upbringing.
It is true that not all divorces are bad and some parents can get along but
many go sour as the person who gets custody often tries to stop the other
parent having access to the kids. Hence guys dressing up as super heroes and
climbing monuments to make a stand.
So where is all this going then? Well
if I can offer a suggestion to both sexes its this: Yes things have changed
and some thing needed to. You can’t halt progress but remember what we are
and that not all of the old values were wrong. A lot of the old values
worked and people were happy back then. Look at the depression rate these
days. Everybody’s popping pills these days yet we have a standard of living
that’s better than ever.
I would question these new roles for
men and women and look at the results of these changes. Women do you want
your man to be a man, if so let him be one. He’ll always leave the toilet
seat up and he’ll never remember important dates! Stop trying to change what
are inherently male characteristics. It will only lead to unhappiness and
divorce. If you want someone who thinks like a woman you should marry a
woman.
The same goes for men. You must
accept the differences of each other otherwise you should have married a
man. She’ll never be interested in the new HIFI separates system you’ve been
researching for the last six months or the new gadget that’s coming out!
There are fundamental genetic differences that will always make men and
women see the world differently and you must accept this. You either accept
this before marriage or it will go bad. It is the wanting to change the
other person that breaks up a marriage. It is the wanting to control the
other partner that destroys the fabric of marriage. I have found that in
marriage or indeed relationships one partner is generally more dominant. One
strives to be the boss and have control. If two strong personalities live
together fireworks will fly. Generally it is the man who relents, as he
can’t stand the female mood! Though sometimes it’s the other way round.
One thing that happens when couples
marry or even cohabit is that the more dominant personality starts to nit
pick and criticise the other partner. I see this all the time. The result is
that the person being picked on starts to dislike the nagger and wants to
avoid contact. Its funny how when you first meet that you only see the
character traits you like but when you marry it goes the other way round.
The constant criticism in order to make the person change whatever it is you
don’t like causes much hardship on the other partner making them act out of
the ordinary as they try to become what you want. Before long the person
with the personality you met and fell in love with bares no resemblance to
the person who you married and you head for divorce.
My advice is to think long and hard
about whether you want to get married. Don’t let your heart rule your head
instead let your gut instinct be your guide. If something in your gut tells
you there’s something wrong in the relationship or the person don’t ignore
it or you will live to regret it. Don’t let society push you into anything
your gut does not agree with. Don’t get married unless you think it’s the
best for you and your partner. Don’t think that by getting married that any
problems will be worked out and you will help them change as you wont.
Whatever gripes or differences you have before you marry will be magnified
and can often grow rather than fade away.
My tip is to accept that men and
women rarely see eye to eye on things due to the internal wiring of our
brains so if you cant accept that don’t get married. If you don’t you’ll
spend the rest of your married life trying to change the other, which just
leads to divorce.
